i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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