when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
