she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
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