i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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