Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
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