also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
