so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
