i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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