life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
