So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
