i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
