Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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