pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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