New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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