Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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