And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
