I'm so fucking centered right now
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
