oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Randomize
