She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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