Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
