We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
