Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
