guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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