I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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