omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
