I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
