Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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