Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
