i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
