If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
