i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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