Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
