I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
