I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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