Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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