All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
