Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
