i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Randomize