1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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