Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
