If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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