btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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