I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize