genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
