If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
