i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize