and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
How does it feel to date your dad?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
