Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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