I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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