I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I need a beard to bite.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
