somebody snuck up and got me drunk
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
