Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
