you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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