So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize