There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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