I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
