He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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