So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Randomize