nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
