Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
