I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize