I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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